I’ve had a lot of tour guides over the last 4 months. Some were good, others sleepers. Pilar, our guide for an excursion at the Puerto Montt port in Chile, could teach a master class in it. Here are some of the gems from her mouth that kept us entertained during our 7-hour tour.

• Someone will get in your picture. I remind you that murder is wrong.
• Earthquakes are a way of life in Chile. Chileans are impervious to anything under 7. If you feel something and we are still drinking our coffee, you’re ok.
• I’ve noticed two kinds of people on my tours. There is the hiker, who just wants to get from point A to point B. Then there is the bird watcher: Oh look, a trash can! With a bird on it! [Busted!} We’re family today. We don’t have to like each other, but we’re stuck together.
• At our next rest stop, a heads up that the toilet paper is not kept next to each toilet. It’s kept near the bathroom door, when you walk in. I’m sharing this with you so you can learn from my terrible personal experience.
• Even though some of the best coffee is grown in South America, for the average Chilean, the coffee of choice is Nescafe. Or as my mother likes to call it, No Es Cafe.
• People ask me if Puerto Varas [her home town that we were stopping in] is safe. I’ll tell you this. We’re good people. Not because we are good, but because we are lazy. Shops close at 1, and reopen at 3:30. We’re a little too laid back.
• We have two ways of dealing with other countries. We invade them, or we buy them off. Brits are our best frenemies.
• Osorno is an active volcano. We also ski there in the winter. People ask, why would you ski down an active volcano? There are so many ways to die in South American, you might as well choose a cool one.
• You won’t see it erupt today. This is the cheap tour. We charge extra for eruptions.
• Our former president was a woman … yes, catch up guys [directed to the American audience].
• If you put Chile in a vertical position, she’s long and slim. Don’t we all want to be Chile?
• Chile is a major exporter of lithium. I remind you to keep changing your cell phone.
• I am absolutely enchanted that you are all back [to the bus] on time.
• [After pointing out that the Chile flag is red, white, and blue, with a lone star}: This is how much we love Texas.